Phaedra
by I Spaz With Pizzazz
Summary: They say that there is literally someone out there for everyone. It would seem that this pertains to umbrellas and hammers as well... Lero/Lavi's Hammer and some Tyki/Lavi. Crack!pairing co-written with Flattered By Mockery. Shounen-ai. Oneshot.


**A/N: **Lero/Lavi's hammer is like my fucking OTP. Because I am weird like that. So, I convinced my ChiChi to role play them with me (I even drew fan art to help prove the point actually), and you get this lovely fic out of it. :D It's a pure crack pairing, I know. But isn't it adorable!? In a weird way…? Inanimate object love…?

Chi's pen name here is Flattered By Mockery. She writes Lucky. Which is why there is also a little bit of Lucky in here too. X3

The title means 'Glow', by the way. Chi says it's Greek, I believe...

Enjoy!

We do not own D. Gray-Man. Sadly...

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_Phaedra_

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Quite honestly, the, ah, _noises _coming from Tyki's chamber were beginning to get under Lero's umbrella flaps. It would appear that that Lavi kid was there for a sleepover again, for lack of a better phrase. Once the Earl found out there would be seven kinds of hell to pay. Regardless, he lazily wandered through the rooms, pausing when he noticed quite the unexpected appetizer.

Why was Tyki bothering to spend so much time with that redhead when his hammer looked so much more delectable?

Nyoibo was dimly aware of the jack o' lantern face peering into the room where everything else of his exorcist had been shed. With a sick worry, he wondered if Lavi and the Noah's game had finally run out, and this golem of the dreaded Earl was there to destroy him and the Innocence stored inside of him.

Lero blinked, unsure why he was finding himself so suddenly compelled to investigate further this highly polished creature of Lavi's. Generally, he stayed as far away as possible from those on the team of the Exorcists, fellow objects included…

But now, he couldn't help himself.

Placing a suggestive sneer on his orange pumpkin face, he ventured into the room, creeping up closer to the exquisite hammer. "Hey there, Lero Lero... You look lonely, honey. How would you feel about some company tonight, Leroro? What with your master all _busy…"_

The Eqip-type Innocence would have shivered at that moment, had he the bodily functions to do so. The terror that emanated out of him was overwhelming, and he tried to surge the Innocence inside of him to ward off the evil golem.

Blinking once, the umbrella peered down at him with glowing eyes. "Awh, honey, don't be scared, Leroro." He crooned, breath caressing the wooden handle of his quarry. "Don't worry beautiful. I'm here to scare off the Boogey Man and all of his friends, Lero Lero…"

At that moment, Nyoibo truly resented the Noah for seducing his master and leaving him to perish at the hands of an objectophile umbrella-pumpkin. He didn't understand the sweet talk coming from the orange mouth at all, and it frightened him. Back at the Order, such words were only directed from human beings to other human beings, and this straying from normalcy threw him off.

Feeling braver with each advance, hardly caring that he was hypocritical about his distress due to Tyki's little boy toy, the umbrella let a small giggle come from inside him. "You know, you're awfully cute when you look all helpless… What's your name, Lero Lero? Nyoibo, was it? Mine is _Lero—" _He breathed in a sultry fashion, "And you should do well to remember it, lovely."

This time, the hammer was quite grateful to his lack of human functions, for crying in front of the predator was to reveal weakness. And he was not weak! No. He, like Lavi, would stand tall and fight. (Until, of course, his enemy had decided to seduce him.) But, the Innocence was confident he could withstand the pressuring of Lero.

Lero was smirking now, annoyed a bit at the hammer's sudden defiance. Still though, he could tell that he was still nervous beneath the façade he was putting up. Time to uncover him. "Nyoibo," he purred, perfectly poised. Brushing lightly up against the shaft of the hammer, Lero mentioned, "As I was saying, my name is Lero and you're going to remember that. Right?"

The poor hammer didn't have much of a choice in the matter presented, but, yes, he supposed he would remember the umbrella golem's name for quite a while. Not every non human being blatantly hit on him. And - gods – the feeling of the jack o' lantern's handle gliding over his –there was something in that touch nothing like Lavi's grip that he used in battle.

Lero gazed down at him, this hammer that was so innocent and sheltered. For a moment he almost felt guilty for taking that sheltered veil off of him. But no matter; Lero had spent enough time around Tyki Mikk to know a thing or two (several even) about giving out pleasure to those in need, just as the Easter Bunny gave out colourful eggs.

Leaning forward, he whispered, "You know what, Lero Lero? I really like you. You're very pretty. Has Lavi ever told you so before, Leroro? Has anyone?"

Nyoibo could have passed out. The only person who ever really talked to him was his red headed Exorcist, and obviously, Lavi didn't coo sweet nothings to him during polishing. He saved those for Tyki. Lero was coming closer, and the weapon again attempted to shrink back, away from the flirtation and the outlandish seduction.

"Awh, no, baby!" Lero whined, keeping up his advances. "Don't be scared. I told you I wouldn't let the Boogey Man get you tonight." He hesitated once before softly, chastely pecking a small kiss on top of the hammer's decorator cross perched at his top. "It's sort of cold though, Lero. Are you cold?"

The Innocence glowed at the tip of the cross ornament, and Nyoibo realized that it was from involuntary delight at getting so much attention. Oh, but such true _delight_ it was turning out to be. _Yes, _he thought to himself sadly, _I am a little cold._

Well, damn. That was really the sweetest thing the Earl's golem had ever seen. _You know what? That's just plain _adorable,_ absolutely adorable… _Lero's mind was melting with the cuteness, his thoughts flowing. _I can't seduce something as sweet as this. I'm not as hardcore a whore as Tyki is. _"Oh. Please don't shiver, Nyoibo-chan." The umbrella cooed in a light whisper, his eyes shimmering. He let himself cuddle up next to the hammer, enjoying the feeling of another body so close. "There, Lero Lero. Does that feel any better?"

Amusedly, the hammer wondered how an umbrella could hold so much warmth in it. But nevertheless, he did prefer this cuddling over the intimidation that was seduction, and gratefully absorbed Lero's heat into his own sleek frame.

If he wasn't mistaken, Lero believed that Tyki had once referred to this activity as 'spooning'. He wasn't sure what all that entailed to, but whatever it meant, it seemed like a fairly appropriate name for two inanimate objects to do. It felt wonderful, just to feel so wanted and so w_arm. _For a small hammer, Nyoibo was so satisfying to sit with. Lero let his gaze take in his whole body, shaft and all. Petite, cute. Innocent. And thinking about it again, he didn't feel like taking _this _particular innocence after all. "I think this is happy, Leroro. Do you?"

The weapon glowed once more in delighted agreement, his head growing slightly so he could share more surface area with the comforting umbrella golem. If this was what his master snuck out so often for, then now, the hammer could understand the need very well to be close to the Noah of Pleasure.

The pink umbrella smiled, glad to see that the hammer was glowing again. Was this a curious form of blushing, perhaps? Either way, he retained his incredible adorable air. Lero gave him another kiss for good measure.

Nyoibo was shining once more in appreciating, loving the sweet touch of the golem against him. But then with a sudden jolt, he grew unsettlingly aware of an intruding noise. Wearily, he let his cross light up brightly in warning as human footsteps approached the room.

Well, the steps didn't really belong to just a full human, necessarily, but rather to a grinning Noah as well.

Lero froze, recognizing immediately that the unlikely pair were no longer alone. "T-Tyki…!"

Not only Tyki had discovered them, but Lavi was there as well. "Holy shit, were you just trying to rape my _hammer, _pumpkin head?!"

Nyoibo was torn terribly – he was excited to be reunited with his master, but he desperately wanted some more time with Lero, too.

The Noah, on the other hand, could not take the situation seriously. He chuckled in amusement, his golden eyes flashing in derision. "Now we're even, aren't we Lero? You can't exactly tell the Earl about Lavi and I when you have your own little love nest going on, hm?" Pronouncing his triumph, Tyki wound an arm around the Exorcist boy, pulling him closer.

Nyoibo's cross burned, a green ember again, looking at the scene before him. Lavi was dressed only in the Noah's too large dress shirt, held warmly against his so called sworn enemy. Was that what he wanted with Lero, then? Certainly not the sex, as the hammer couldn't even begin to comprehend as to how _that _might work. But the _heat_…

Lavi was still enveloped in shock, wrapping Tyki's shirt (Ah, didn't it smell _good?!) _around himself and letting him pull him in. "Whoa, whoa…no, seriously, somebody needs to tell me why that umbrella was trying to pick up my hammer!"

"No one needs an occasion," the Pleasure purred, lips brushing vividly over the red head's ear. "Lero has his fetishes just like anyone else, don't you see?"

Nyoibo shrank back a little inside, hearing himself referred to as the umbrella's fetish. Not that he minded all that much.

Mortified, Lero drew himself away from Nyoibo, with great reluctance. Trying to explain himself, he struggled to spit out any coherent words from his throat. "But…But I…But we…we were only…!"

"But it's creepy!" Lavi protested, wishing Tyki was actually on his side of this particular, odd little war. "I mean, Lero's not even that sexy or anything. Besides, Nyoibo is so inexperienced and clueless. He was obviously trying to take advantage of him!"

"I'll show you taking advantage," Tyki offered slowly, looping an arm low on Lavi's waist. "If it disturbs you so much, let's leave this 'creepiness', ne…?" Oh, he was so in the mood for a second helping of rabbit tonight. He led him back into his room, erasing all of the protests from the Bookman about his weapon's romantic escapades.

Lavi couldn't really resist that. Who could? And like that, Nyoibo suddenly grew affectionate of Tyki for leaving him one more time with Lero. As Tyki came over Lavi like a welcomed sickness, Lero and Nyoibo were left alone once again to be warm.

Nyoibo couldn't help it. He glowed like a fluorescent bulb.

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**A/N: **I would say that writing this together was the most fun waste of a day Chi and I have had in a long time. XD At least, you know, we were aware that it was a waste of a day. But crack is the best way to waste one, you see. I think. Possibly. Damn, I don't even know... But still. Oh, and we were also finishing up a joint KakuHida lemon at the same time for Naruto which had been hibernating in a folder since like November, so we were giggling psychotically to accompany the rustling of notebook papers. It should get posted up soon too probably. Very steamy. XD Mahaha...shower sex. -cough-

But on another note.

Thank you for reading our crazy little fic, everyone. :3 -sweatdrop- (But now we have the problem of me adoring this entirely random pairing even more. Is that a bad thing? XD Oh dear gods, somebody please shoot me.)


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